Ladder of Love

Many different cultures have the concept of different levels or types of love extending from lower or more mundane types to higher, more immaterial kinds. I guess one of the most well-known would be the ladder of love found in Plato’s Symposium, supposedly delivered to Socrates by a priestess named Diotima. But there are many different interpretations to be found of this idea in other cultures. The Christian perspective has the concept of agape to distinguish higher love, and the Buddhists have metta or loving-kindness. Judaism speaks of chesed. As today is the fourth day of Kwanzaa, one could even include umoja or unity as a higher kind of love, the kind of love that does not discriminate or exclude.

Being homeless and transgender leads to many experiences of love’s absence and this increases awareness of how important love is in life. Any act of love stands out when your experience is mainly one that is isolating and depriving—a generous embrace, a welcome compliment. It also becomes clear how our society is not based on higher love. It is based more on consumption than anything else currently, which is still a rung on the “ladder of love”—the love of acquiring and using things. There is also the love of newness and invention, which is still problematic in our society since our industry has not learned how to harmonize with the environment or to respect labor rights (the fourth day of Kwanzaa is meant to focus on cooperative economics or ujamaa).

In the shelter I’m staying at, there’s not much love. It’s a fairly sterile environment. Not kept very clean or sanitary. Occupants sleep in gray, walled-off cubicles that look kind of like a jail cell. Bathrooms are filthy. Showers and laundry facilities are in a state of disrepair. The caseworkers do seem to care. The site supervisor obviously loves the management aspect and a kind of rules-based approach to helping people. But our unloving culture is visible everywhere, even in the shelter’s structure, which resembles nothing more than an airplane hanger—all aluminum and industrial piping with cold concrete floors.

My transgender experience—on the other hand—has taught me the need for self love (not selfishness but the ability to recognize the needs of my body and mind). I am choosing not transition and to identify with my birth gender, but I now realize I have an unmanifested feminine side that I should love and express too (without losing a healthy masculinity). But I shouldn’t abuse my body with synthetic drugs, electric shocks to my hair follicles via electrolysis and surgical procedures that carry a lot of risk of complications. That doesn’t seem loving to me.

But everyone deserves love amongst the transgender community, including those of us who choose not to transition. And there’s love of past lives or selves, where I think my desire to transition comes from. The woman whose life preceded mine causally deserves love, even though her life has led to some difficult for me in my life.

Both my homeless and transgender experiences have given me more of a love of diversity. How boring life would be if we were all the same. We’re all equal in an immaterial sense but thankfully different in ways that allow for creativity, expression and experiences that reflect all that is possible in life.

I’ve been to several different religious organizations in Hollywood and LA, where there’s an appreciation for higher love, the kind of love that can transcend any circumstance, such as being homeless or transitioning. For Chanukah, I went to Kol Ami synagogue on La Brea. For Christmas I visited Blessed Sacrament Church on Sunset and The First Baptist Church of Hollywood on Selma. Each had an interesting perspective on higher love. The ability to love unconditionally is rare, and places that are able to teach and express unconditional love are very valuable (beyond any dogma and legalism that can cloud experiences of higher love).

Love of nonhuman life becomes obvious when you’re vegan or vegetarian like I am. I recently spoke with one homeless individual still living on the street on Hollywood Boulevard who chooses to sit with a sign that says “meat is murder” to remind people to love and not to kill life when we have so many food sources that don’t require it. Part of the reason I’m choosing not to transition is the animal testing and abuse associated with current mainstream or modern medicine. A website I receive e-mails from called Lady Freethinker reminds us to love all life and not mistreat animals.

Love of the natural world or environment is also something very lacking here in Hollywood. I remember when I was sleeping on the streets, my skin and clothes would collect soot, I would inhale car exhaust and trash was (and is) everywhere. Hiking to the top of the nearby Runyon Canyon (overall something I love to do) a couple days ago, I was saddened to see a cloud of smog hanging over the city. For some reason this lack of love really distresses me. I think because it underlies so much of our reality. What we do to the environment, we do to ourselves and each other.

Love of the homeless I think is slowly growing. Places such as The Center and organizations such as Project Ropa are reaching out and embracing people that the rest of society seems to prefer to ignore or think of only abstractly.

The transgender community here in Hollywood and LA has frustrated me somewhat with its love of fashion and glamour, which seem to me to compete with love of the environment and labor rights in terms of how clothes and cosmetics are produced. It’s been difficult for me to fit in with the transgender community because of this. Still, love means respect and understanding. So I have tried to accept people’s focus on clothing, cosmetics and appearances. After all, the “ladder of love” extends from the most material and mundane (love of good food, for instance) to that highest unconditional love that great spiritual teachers remind us of.

Losing everything (home, being away from family) and exploring gender diversity teaches you a lot about love. You do have to learn to love yourself. And you do learn to value even the smallest acts of love from others. A recent conversation with a woman staying at the same shelter I’m at very much lifted a cloud from my shoulders as she restored my confidence and sense of being worthy of love, no matter how I identify. Love’s absence is a painful teacher, but it does reveal love’s power and ability to move people. From a pastor praying for me and everyone at the shelter to people handing out food and clothes at the Hollywood Food Coalition and Project Ropa, the homeless and transgender experience has revealed much of the interplay between the loving and unloving aspects of our society and culture.

There is heart everywhere, reaching out from behind the barriers of industry and bureaucracy, isolating technology, oppressive monetary systems and consumer commerce to try and let people know—love is not going to be overcome. You can find it even in the darkest, most isolating moments. And you are worthy of it no matter who you are. As Deepak Chopra says in his book The Path to Love: “In the eyes of spirit you are always enough.”